Kseniia Shiyan
Glib Stryzhko Okay, let’s start with introductions. Tell us a little about yourself. How do you identify?
Kseniia Shiyan My name is Kseniia Shiyan. I am currently a serving member of the Ukrainian National Guard, a volunteer, and the wife of a fallen hero.
Glib Stryzhko How did you end up joining the military? Tell me a little about your experience.
Kseniia Shiyan I joined the military after years of nonstop volunteering. I felt it wasn’t enough anymore and wanted to be more directly involved. I’m from Zaporizhzhia, from the east, so to me, this war was personal since 2014, not just 2022. For me, it started back then, even earlier in some ways. I wanted to feel more connected to the fight — for our identity and our freedom.
Glib Stryzhko Did you join the military in 2024?
Kseniia Shiyan In 2025. That was my New Year’s gift to myself. I signed the contract on January 3, 2025.
Glib Stryzhko Tell me a little more about your service. What makes serving in an assault brigade unique for a woman?
Kseniia Shiyan I’m not a combat soldier, I’m an administrative officer. Which, in general, is quite common among women. But at the same time, I have the opportunity to go to the combat zone and be more directly involved. That is, to work directly with the guys who are on guard duty at our eastern borders. But even getting an administrative job was difficult.
Glib Stryzhko Is there anything that brings you joy right now?
Kseniia Shiyan After everything I’d been through, especially after my husband died, I stopped feeling any joy at all. Things I used to love, like books, concerts, and travel, meant nothing anymore. Now, being in the right environment, I’ve started to feel it again. I even discovered theater — it’s become an outlet for me. For the first time in two and a half years, it made me feel a kind of childlike excitement.
Glib Stryzhko Can you tell me more about your husband, if that’s okay? How did you meet? How did he die?
Kseniia Shiyan Absolutely. I’ve already reflected on that many times. It still hurts, but I can talk about it. We met a month before the full-scale invasion. We hit it off really quickly, started dating almost right away, and moved in together by the second week — it just felt right. When the full-scale invasion began, my husband Andrii told me he’d understand if I wanted to leave him. He’d warned me from the start — he was a veteran, went to war at 19, and defending Ukraine was his calling. And if the big war came, he’d go fight. On February 24, he said he’d fight until the end, whatever that meant. I told him he was an idiot, and we stayed together. We didn’t spend much time together, but even though he’d spent most of his time at the front, we went through more than some people do in a decade. He’s my person, and will remain that forever.
Glib Stryzhko Is there a place you like to revisit in your mind because it brings you joy?
Kseniia Shiyan This may sound both happy and sad, but for me it’s the shore of Kyrylivka in the Zaporizhzhia region. It’s under occupation now, but even remembering it brings more joy than sadness. It’s my childhood place, we went there every summer. There’s a swing there, shaped like a crescent; I’m 31, and I think it’s probably still there. At least, I hope it is, and the orcs didn’t sell it for scrap. From it, you can see the Azov Sea. It’s small, but endless, calm, and comforting. When things get hard, I picture it and can finally breathe a little.
Glib Stryzhko What helped you maintain a sense of life despite the loss of your beloved husband? How did you find ways to find joy in life?
Kseniia Shiyan My husband made me promise that even if he didn’t come back, I’d keep living, at least try. For the first year and a half, that promise was the only thing holding me together, the only thing pushing me to do anything, even for myself. Now, whether it’s rotations, the frontline, or volunteering, I actually breathe fuller there. We often went into the war zone as volunteers, and I felt more alive there. That’s my motivation now, to keep going so I can return. Because there, everything feels real. And it’s that sense of realness, both there and in life, that makes me want to keep moving forward.
Glib Stryzhko Some soldiers have their own insider jokes. Do you and your comrades have any?
Kseniia Shiyan We joke about death. It’s a professional hazard, we tend to focus more on severed limbs and death.
Glib Stryzhko Totally. If someone buys some cool clothes, there’s immediately a line of people waiting to take it after they die.
Kseniia Shiyan Our favorite meme when we are exhausted is that there is no time to feel burnt out — that’s something for when we die and get cremated.
Glib Stryzhko Beautiful. How has your feeling of happiness changed since you joined the military?
Kseniia Shiyan To the better. Wearing the uniform simply makes me feel happier. I finally feel like I’m where I belong; not just in a unit, but in the military overall. That restlessness, not knowing where I fit, is gone. And it helps me understand myself better and what actually fulfills me.
Glib Stryzhko I suspect your sense of humor has changed since you joined the army. Did it get darker?
Kseniia Shiyan Yes.
Glib Stryzhko How does it manifest itself?
Kseniia Shiyan It started changing around 2023, when I began climbing out of my darkest depression, though the loss still hit hard. Volunteering never stopped, and constant contact with soldiers shaped my mindset. Now, being here, it’s even stronger. Dark humor just becomes normal, jokes about lost limbs, death and such. Once, filling out paperwork, they asked about identifying marks. I’m covered in tattoos but had them hidden. They asked to photograph one on my arm, and I joked: “Would be a shame if they couldn’t identify me if my arm gets blown off.” It sounds harsh from the outside, but for us, it just makes things easier to handle.
Glib Stryzhko What is your happiest tattoo?
Kseniia Shiyan Ironically, the happiest tattoo I have I got after Andrii’s death. It’s a phrase he wrote in his handwriting: “Thank you for being in my life.” I once asked him to write me a few short lines because I wanted to get them tattooed. It reminds me that I had something truly bright. And despite everything, I feel grateful, I’m happy that Andriy was in my life. It’s my happiest tattoo because it always warms me up and brings back those beautiful times we had together.
Glib Stryzhko It’s indeed beautiful. Let’s move on. Do you consider joy to be a manifestation of strength?
Kseniia Shiyan Yes, without a doubt.
Glib Stryzhko How so?
Kseniia Shiyan In the times we live in, being able to find joy in something and feel happiness is truly a sign of strength. It’s all too easy to let yourself sink into darkness and hopelessness.
Glib Stryzhko Says the person who jokes about torn off limbs.
Kseniia Shiyan But it’s a joke. It helps! It took me a lot of effort to feel joy again. But it was worth it. And strength as a concept of a strong person… Feeling joy when you consciously understand what’s happening around you, that’s just as much a part of it… You need strength to feel true joy right now, not some kind of fake joy, but the real thing.
Glib Stryzhko Real joy? What do you mean?
Kseniia Shiyan You know, in 2023 I could pretend I was happy about something, but it was all an act. I know how to analyze a situation, I understand what reaction I should be having if I were okay — at least stable — and I could mimic joy. But it was a mask. And joy without masks — that truly requires strength and effort to honestly feel, to live through, and to not be afraid to show it. At some point, I did think, “What would people say?” But I was lucky that the people around me cheered for me and wished my life to get better. Yet still, there were others who were like, her husband has died a year ago, and she’s already doing this and that. Getting over it and feeling some kind of joy, something bright and pleasant, takes a lot of strength.
Glib Stryzhko Do animals help you feel joy? Do they help at all?
Kseniia Shiyan I don’t know what to say. I love all animals. I have two cats. They live with my parents now, so my mom says, I have a contract with the army, and the cats have a contract with her. They’re my emotional outlet. It was actually my cats who pulled me through, they helped me get through it, because it’s a responsibility. I felt responsible for creatures who, in a sense, can’t even feed themselves. That’s what motivated me to get out of bed every morning, no matter what, no matter how bad things were. And once I was up, I could keep going. They were my furry antidepressant that really worked. The first cat I adopted was Tolik, he was born back in Bakhmut. The boys evacuated him, then I took him in. My husband and I had planned this “adoption” together, so the cat is kind of a symbol. We chose the name Tolik and knew what our cat should be like, even before we actually had him. And then I saw this little kitten, and everything fell into place. Tolik is mom’s favorite little flower. He can do anything. Just the fact that he exists warms my heart. Plus, I’m a huge dog lover. I’ve always had cats, but I love dogs more.
Glib Stryzhko Yes! Let’s move on. What was the most unexpected joy in your life?
Kseniia Shiyan I’ll probably end up talking a lot about my husband again. About how we met, yes. Because we met on Tinder. Do you know many couples who met on Tinder and whose relationships have worked out?
Glib Stryzhko That’s valuable. It’s very important.
Kseniia Shiyan On our first date, my husband was quoting Poderviansky by heart, by the way. By that point, I’d pretty much given up on relationships. Sure, short flings happened, but anything serious? I was completely disillusioned. And then, totally out of the blue. I got bored at work one lunchtime, opened Tinder, swiped a couple of times, and that same evening I was already meeting some guy, which was very unlike me. But somehow it just worked. And it happened fast, not because of anything forced, it just came together. I was shocked, but really happy. It was one of the most unexpected joys in my life. As for recently, I don’t even know. There are lots of small, everyday moments that make life better. But that kind of big joy… I think I’m still waiting for it.
Glib Stryzhko Small, everyday moments, what do you mean by that?
Kseniia Shiyan My goddaughter finally learned to say Kseniia. She could say it for a while, but she loved calling me “Auntie Cat” because I had two cats. She used to come over as a baby, I’d watch her, and she’d chase them around, so the nickname stuck for a long time. And now she calls me Kseniia. That’s actually really joyful. Also, when you manage to grab a ticket to a concert or a show you’ve wanted to see for ages, especially when it seemed impossible to get one, that’s a special kind of joy too.
Glib Stryzhko When was the last time you felt joy in a place you least expected?
Kseniia Shiyan You know, I’ll say something about myself that a lot of people don’t really understand. I’ve already mentioned that I feel better in the east (of Ukraine, – ed. note). I’m more comfortable there. I feel more joy there. Most people outside my circle don’t get it. But I feel lighter, calmer, more at ease in a place that’s physically more dangerous. For my mental state, it’s actually much better. It’s not exactly logical, I understand that myself. But still, I feel happier and better in the east, and for most people, that’s hard to grasp.
Glib Stryzhko Okay, I’d like to talk a bit more about it. You mentioned “tourism” in the east — I’m glad you didn’t go any farther east than that, because those routes aren’t exactly pleasant. Speaking from experience. But if we talk about travel in Western Ukraine and beyond, you’ve also been abroad during the full-scale invasion. What’s the difference between joy and happiness in Ukraine and abroad? How does it change? Or is it the same?
Kseniia Shiyan In Ukraine, I feel more joy because I’m close to my people. Abroad, I always had this uneasy thought: if something happens, I’m far away. Within Ukraine, I can reach almost anywhere in about 10 hours, but from abroad it takes much longer. My parents are in Zaporizhzhia, and many of my friends are in the east, so that distance was always stressful. I couldn’t really feel joy abroad because of it. What I did feel was more like closure: I’d always wanted to visit those countries, and I finally had the chance. It was also a way to keep myself occupied.
Glib Stryzhko In other words, you dreamed of visiting certain countries, you ended up going there, but you didn’t feel completely happy.
Kseniia Shiyan Yes, yes.
Glib Stryzhko Were you disappointed instead?
Kseniia Shiyan No, not really. It felt more like achieving a goal. It was an accomplishment. I did feel some joy, but mostly after I got back home, when I could finally exhale. That feeling of not being able to quickly get somewhere I might be needed, that was always there. So the real joy came after returning home. I could reflect on everything, look through photos, think about where I’d been. And that moment — realizing, wow, my life is actually interesting — and that I’m still doing something, moving forward, that brought even more satisfaction.
Glib Stryzhko Didn’t even your first trip abroad give you that feeling of, “Wow, I can sleep well here, and do all sorts of things! People are just living their lives!”?
Kseniia Shiyan You’re saying it like “Wow!”. My first trip abroad was actually in April 2022. I went to Poland to buy a car for the front lines and handle the paperwork — I had some contacts there who helped. But I was basically in shock. It was my first time in Poland, everything felt unfamiliar, and I was genuinely scared when I heard a plane. Back home in Kyiv, in Obolon, we could clearly hear what was happening in Irpin and Bucha, and the sound of planes was terrifying. So I don’t really count that as a real trip, it was work. My first real trip was to Portugal. And I didn’t feel “Wow!”. I felt a deep sense of injustice. Even though I’ve long accepted that life isn’t fair, it still hit me hard, seeing people just living, singing, walking around carefree, while back home we sometimes can’t even sleep because of Shahed drones overhead. I felt insecure. WHat did we do to deserve this? It wasn’t “why do they get to live like this?”, it was more like, “why were we so unlucky?”
Glib Stryzhko How would you define joy in war, and what does it mean to you?
Kseniia Shiyan I’m trying to find the right words. Joy in war… it’s hard to separate, because since 2022 my life has been directly tied to it: first through volunteering, now in the military. So any joy I feel now is still connected to the war. I don’t even know how to divide it. If I put it simply… when our guys all come back alive from a position, that’s joy in war, the most obvious kind. When there’s no news for a long time and then it finally comes, that’s also joy. And when you see someone you haven’t seen for a year because they’ve been stuck on the Donbas front, where we as volunteers couldn’t even reach anymore… and they come back for just a few days of leave and you meet for a coffee, that’s joy too.
Glib Stryzhko What does joy smell like to you?
Kseniia Shiyan To me, joy smells like coffee. Brewed at home in a moka pot. That’s what joy smells like to me.
Glib Stryzhko What memory keeps you going on tough days?
Kseniia Shiyan A small memory of Andrii. We were walking down the street, arguing a bit. It wasn’t a fight, just a disagreement. Then some sketchy guy passed by, and Andrii got concerned. Without saying anything, even though we hadn’t resolved our argument, he just took my hand, like a quiet gesture of protection. At that moment, I felt warm and safe. None of the disagreement mattered, I just felt completely safe and at ease.
Glib Stryzhko Nice. What does it physically feel like to be alive?
Kseniia Shiyan I truly feel alive right now. This question means a lot to me, because for a long time I didn’t feel alive at all—just existing. I’ve said before that the turning point came last summer, at a Boombox concert. That’s when I started to feel life again. There’s still a hole in my chest. It may stay there forever, or at least for a long time. Until recently, it defined everything. But now there’s more warmth, more fullness. Physical warmth. That’s what life feels like to me now. And these days, no matter how hard things are, I feel alive every day.
Glib Stryzhko This will be the final question. What is joy like? In terms of colors, shape, and all the details. How would you describe it?
Kseniia Shiyan Joy is like fresh green leaves in May. Like a cool morning breeze when the sun’s up but the air is still crisp. It’s also that clear autumn air in October, when the trees just start turning. Not yet bright yellow and red, but the colors are already changing. And this clear, fresh air. For me, it’s strongest back home in Zaporizhzhia; standing by the river port, slightly neglected now, looking out over the Dnipro and Khortytsia, just taking it all in. That quiet sense of fullness. Joy is when… I don’t really like children, but if it’s the children of someone close to me, I love them. And when a child suddenly smiles at you, it’s joy. Sometimes, they are crying, and you try to sit as far from them as possible. But then, they see you, and they smile at you, and this moment brings both relief and joy.
