Yuliia «Phobia»

Glib Stryzhko Let’s start by getting to know you. Tell us a little about your military service. When did you enlist, what made you join the military in the first place, in which units did you serve, and during which years? How long have you been in the military?

Yuliia «Phobia» My name is Yuliia, my callsign for over 17 years has been Phobia. I’m 31. As of now, I’m serving in the 39th Separate Marine Brigade. Up until 2014, I was an aspiring photographer. 2014 I was on Maidan, and it changed my life. As it happened, I had to assist a surgeon, even if I knew nothing about it. After that, I volunteered. In early 2015, I joined the medical unit “Hospitallers,” which at the time was part of the Volunteer Ukrainian Corps “Right Sector.” That’s where I fully trained as a paramedic and gained my first solid experience in tactical medicine. I trained others and, in the following years, went on rotations, helping and supporting the battalion –– which “Hospitallers” became by that time — however I could. At the same time, I kept returning to civilian life, trying to adapt to it again, though after that year, it had already started to feel a bit strange. Everything we now know about reintegration, back then we just made the first steps. When the full-scale invasion started, I was 27, and I thought, hey, this is your chance, go work! With every year, I had more and more comrades in need of support, and I was interested in psychology. In 2022, on the second day of the invasion, I joined my beloved “Hospitallers” battalion. Battalion commander Yana Zinkevych assigned me tasks, and I handled everything: logistics, communications, supplies. 24/7, nonstop, even walking around with pneumonia. Later I had to take command of a crew. They gave me the keys to an ambulance and said, “You’ve got Crew 20.” I was given the chance to choose my own team from people who weren’t yet assigned. I picked carefully, trying not to disrupt the system we’d built. Then, for the first time, we went out with the police to a position, already as a full-fledged medevac crew. In April, they told me: “Yours will be one of the first crews to enter Donetsk Oblast.” It was important that only experienced people went, because we didn’t know what to expect. At the time, “Hospitallers” had only one crew near Mariupol that soon sadly would be captured, some of them died. We went there with four vehicles. When we arrived, I found out I’d been assigned to the marines: a renowned battalion that, at the time, was in urgent need of medics and was spread out across much of the Donetsk region. So the entire year 2022 I spent with the “Hospitallers”, seconded to the 503rd Battalion. In 2023 -2024 and until July 2025, I was officially serving in the 503rd as a military personnel member.

Glib Stryzhko So basically, you joined the marines, the 503rd Battalion, because it felt right to be with them, and you decided that the marines were the best of the best, so you wanted to be among them, and that’s how you ended up there?

Yuliia «Phobia» It wasn’t like an admiration of the marines. I always knew that the 503d was elite. And I remember when I’d learned about the tradition of earning the beret. Somewhere near Mariinka, I found a simple old woman’s beret in a house, nothing special, but it was that exact sea-green color. I took it and went to the company commander: “Sir, can I walk around with you wearing this?” They started laughing and said, “Damn, that color really suits you.” I asked, “Can I try on a real marine’s beret?” They said, “No, you don’t try on a beret. You earn it. You receive it. But I can’t just give you mine to wear. It’s not an accessory.” That day I realized I wanted to earn that beret. And I received it in 2024. It was during the fights for Krynky that we learned there would be a beret qualification. We slept for four hours, went on shifts, we had other things to do, but we had to. We were two girls, training in the heat, running at night, and we showed an excellent result. Iryna Sampan was there to shoot a video for “Butusov Plus”, and I’m so glad we have this material. Journalists at the front are important. I also loved photographing my guys, when I served with them. And it was the time when I started realizing, my place is with the marines. I never regretted this choice.

Glib Stryzhko Okay, so we have a good idea of what your service was like and what you’re doing now. What, specifically, brings you joy right now?

Yuliia «Phobia» Talking with my comrades. I miss them. Only when I left, I realized how dear they are to me. I try to keep up, they call me and tell me all the news, send me videos when they leave positions, they know that I want to know. Also, photography. I will never stop shooting. At some point, I stopped, because we ha to many losses. But you never know who you won’t see or hear on the radio tomorrow. But you can’t even post all the photos on the battalion page: some are killed, some are missing, some are still at the front. I was scared to do anything with it. I struggled a lot with that. On one hand, I knew that if something happened to them, at least their families would have good photos of them smiling. On the other hand, I was afraid to keep photographing, because it felt like there would be more and more of them gone, and I’d eventually lose my mind having a phone full of people who are no longer alive. That period was really hard, but thankfully it ended, and I truly hope it doesn’t come back. Now I enjoy photographing again. It brings me joy.

Glib Stryzhko Is there a place you like to revisit in your mind because it brings you joy?

Yuliia «Phobia» Many places. I fell in love with Kherson. Despite all the bad stuff, because we went there to bring the wounded to the hospitals, and the dead to the morgue, sadly. But the doctors we worked with were amazing. Sometimes my crew partner Yin and I went to visit our wounded comrades and bring colorful socks. We had this thing that when we gave the wounded new clothes, we gave them socks from this brand that makes mismatched pairs. We were told many times that other people in Mykolaiv and other hospitals recognized our guys by their socks. We tried to create a better atmosphere, throwing around a little bit of sunshine. That’s why Kherson is a good memory. I would love to go to that spot on the right bank where I retrieved the guys. I would go there and be happy, despite all the sadness. Because even after one year, they’re still ours. Because there are places like Mariinka, or our favorite Maksymivka, Pokrovsk, I can’t go there anymore.

Glib Stryzhko Do you remember a moment during your service when you burst out laughing? Is there a story maybe?

Yuliia «Phobia» Many times. The first time was probably in 2015. Together with two others, we went to get the body of our fallen comrade. We took him to the morgue, where our chief medical officer met us; the hearse opened, and that smell of death hit us… My partner gets the urge to vomit and almost throws up on our chief medical officer. I realized this wasn’t the right time, but I was 20, I could barely hold my laugh. Another time, someone made a bow out of gauze on a fallen soldier’s hands. I had to report to the battalion commander, and it was so funny to me, I was crying and laughing. It was a defence mechanism. These were intense times. Someone suggested I take time off. Yin and I laugh a lot, especially when we work together over long periods of time. Oftentimes, we didn’t sleep for three days straight. I couldn’t talk anymore. But when we watched our videos from that time, we burst out laughing. The work then was exhausting, but we couldn’t admit that to anyone. We wanted to make our people feel safe, listen to them. But then we drove from Kherson, got ourselves free coffee at the petrol station, talked in the car, and then — woosh! — a sudden air pocket, you know, like when the car just jolts and lifts. And that was it, Yin almost choked on her coffee, bouncing in that “Vito” van, and we just ended up in tears from laughing so hard about this “jump”, you know?

Glib Stryzhko Is there a certain type of black humor in the military?

Yuliia «Phobia» I myself joke really rarely. I make more jokes about not being able to understand jokes. Dark jokes I make only with Yin. If anything, I’m more annoyed by dudes that crack jokes but can’t even name their tax number. But I have to somehow talk to them. I’m thinking, fuck, he’s in the military, and he’s going to protect us? And if he dies, our best people will have to retrieve the body. That’s my sad thoughts. But if, say, a patient comes in and goes: “What do I call you?”, I say: “I come on my own.” He laughs, but I’m not joking. I don’t want to tell him my name, I will never see him again. I’ve been around military personnel for ten years, I don’t want any extra information. I will come, do the procedure, and leave. I try to smile to avoid hurting their feelings. But the truth is they make these vulgar jokes because I’m a woman, and not because I’m military too. Because it’s just a girl you can joke around with.

Glib Stryzhko This reminded me of a story from when I was moved to a field hospital in a bunker in Mariupol. Because of the high temperatures, my ballistic goggles basically melted to my face. For about eight hours they couldn’t take them off, and I couldn’t see anything. I could hear familiar voices: my wounded combat medic from the platoon, our chief of medical service, and another woman. They told me: “We’re going to pull them off now to check if your eyeballs are intact.” And I suddenly got into this overly charming mode. I was lying there with a broken face and a fractured pelvis, while they were peeling the goggles off me, the combat medic was talking to me, and I went: “Oh my, you’re all being so gentle… Could you please tell me your name? I’d like to name my child after you — if she agrees, of course.” And the woman goes: “Give him more painkillers, he’s delirious!” That was really funny. Later, when the girls came back from captivity, they reminded me of it: “You were all broken, covered in blood, and still cracking your little jokes”.

Yuliia «Phobia» It’s different when you’re wounded. I allow my wounded soldiers almost everything. I will say anything they want to hear as long as they’re conscious, to make things a little easier. I’ll tell jokes and giggle, even if I don’t find it funny.

Glib Stryzhko You mentioned the battles and rotations. What helped you keep a sense of being alive during that time? Because sometimes people say: “I’m alive, but I feel like I’m dead there on the position.”

Yuliia «Phobia» I always remember how in 2016 I went through the “Heart of a Warrior” training. I can’t recall the specific techniques anymore, they’ve faded from my memory, but I do remember this emphasis on valuing the here and now. The idea of separating things out: that I have safe people, safe places. And I’ve learned how to find safe places, wherever I am. Back then, they invited me to work as a photographer at this training. And then Oleh, the trainer, asked me if I wanted to join as a participant. He probably saw that I needed it, that I was hiding from some exercise, like those including physical touch. 2016 was when I learned to hug. Before that, I always kept everyone at arm’s length like that… And in any exercises that involved physical contact, like tapping someone on the shoulder or anything like that, I’d just grab my camera and start taking photos instead. I’m grateful to Oleh for giving me a base like that. Later, there was the Veteran Hub. An amazing experience that helped me be effective. I understand that not everyone can accept why I behave the way I do with soldiers or why I care for them so much, but I simply understand everyone. If a soldier is doing well, then he will come back. And if he comes back and everything has been properly taken care of, then he will be effective.

Glib Stryzhko Do you consider joy to be a sign of strength?

Yuliia «Phobia» Yes. Right now it’s very hard to feel that joy. I understand that. And if it still appears at times, even a little, it feels like a good sign that I can still live through this without needing to go straight to a psychiatrist or start medication. Because I know that’s sometimes necessary, and it can be helpful. But when I do feel it, I understand that I still have strength, that I can still get through everything that’s happening. I know there will come a time when I’ll need to call a friend and say: “Olena, please find me a psychiatrist.” I’ll realize I can’t handle it on my own anymore. And I know that moment will come, I just don’t know when.

Glib Stryzhko What was the most unexpected joy you’ve ever experienced?

Yuliia «Phobia» Maidan, in February. On the night of February 18, my boyfriend told me to leave Maidan, because the House of Unions was on fire. But the next day, he called me and asked to pick him up, as he was burning up with fever. I took him to a hospital, he had severe pneumonia and a throat infection. And at this moment, I get a message with a time and weight. A friend of mine was pregnant and gave birth to a girl. That was a ray of light in the darkness! I felt so guilty about leaving my boyfriend. But this was definitely an unexpected joy.

Glib Stryzhko Nice. Is there someone with whom you feel joy more intensely?

Yuliia «Phobia» Well, I guess so, Yin. We’ve become really close. Even though we’re fundamentally different.

Glib Stryzhko Okay. So, if you were asked to define and explain the concept of “joy in war,” how would you do it?

Yuliia «Phobia» Wow, that’s a hard one. Joy in war… is in everything that’s alive. But even when we retrieved the bodies of the fallen, it was joy to some extent, because they were going to go home. Their families will bury them. They will have their peace. It’s way worse when you can’t retrieve their bodies. Joy is very relative.

Glib Stryzhko Okay. We’re getting closer to the finish line. What made you happier today?

Yuliia «Phobia» I put someone behind the wheel and taught them how to drive; I made their dream come true and gave them an amazing experience, which they later wrote to me about. Even though this was only the second time I’d ever seen them.

Glib Stryzhko What is the smell of joy?

Yuliia «Phobia» You know, what came to mind first? Without any philosophy. I thought of the guys we picked up from Krynky. This is a very specific smell. I’ve never come across it anywhere else. I feel like if I start remembering more right now, I’ll have tears in my eyes—tears of joy. The guys spent a lot of time there, and usually, they came in wet. If they manage to keep their backpacks, they may have some change of clothes, but they don’t have anywhere to take a shower: they’re either in the woods, or abandoned basements… So they had this very specific smell. I even think that these rivers –– Konka, Basanka, or even Dnipro –– they smelled differently. And the guys had to walk through water to jump into a boat. Oftentimes, there was also blood of their own or of another soldier. Maybe something else they didn’t tell me about. But the smell in our “Vito”, that was the smell of Krynky. I remember it very clearly. Yin and I even talked about it: no matter how unpleasant it was, if that smell was there, it meant we’d brought someone out — someone was no longer there, someone had made it out. І: Wow, that’s the first answer like this. When you mentioned the guys from Krynky, I thought it had a kind of salty aftertaste. I remember when we were in Mykolaiv and salt water from the sea was coming through the estuary, even in Mykolaiv, where there’s no sea, you could sometimes feel that breeze. That’s what I first thought of. But this is a different context.

Glib Stryzhko What memory keeps you going during hard times?

Yuliia «Phobia» I don’t know. I just open my gallery and start scrolling photographs. I have about 18.000 pictures. My whole life is there. I told my friends long ago: after I die, they have to do a large-scale exhibition. It should be about not one person, but all those people I saw through my lens. Many of them aren’t with us anymore.

Glib Stryzhko This one is a creative question. What does joy look like to you? Describe it in colors, shapes, and all the detail.

Yuliia «Phobia» To me, it looks like rays of light out of a beautiful dark. It’s about light. Once, Yin and I bought this viral lamp that creates Aurora lights and installed it in our van. I have a video from when we picked up our first wounded, I was driving, Yin took care of him, tucked him in and turned on these Aurora lights, and he was just laying there, smiling. It was very important to Yin and I to retrieve the bodies of our comrades and bring them to the morgue. To pick up not only the living, but also the dead ones. There were supposed to be different vehicles for that, but we insisted — covered everything with foil, disinfected the van, etc.. Once, we picked up the body of our fallen comrade, and turned the Aurora lights for him. Yin and I always thought that we were a bit nuts doing that, but we knew he would have loved it and laughed about it. It’s possible, and even necessary to find joy even in grief. Maybe I have no right to say such things about people who have lost their loved ones… I didn’t lose a partner, only comrades. But even in the grief I went through, I looked for these joys.